Getting Bi

Updated: Nov 29, 2019

by Bere




I am born. Before I even understand what sexuality is, I learn to like boys.

I am straight.

I'm in 2nd grade. The teenage girls in my family are writing love letters. I want to join so I write one to a boy I am not attracted to.

I am straight.

Soccer practice. Freshman year. A lesbian girl walks through the field at practice. I feel...something, but ONLY because she's dressed like a boy. I have a major crush on a guy, so...

I am straight.

Senior year. I'm president of the french club. A cute basketball player walks up to my crepe booth. I get butterflies in my stomach when he smiles. I get the feeling I've met this person before and then "he" speaks. I tell myself I only got nervous because I thought she was a boy and I'm an awkward mess.

I am straight.

I graduate highschool and date boys in college. A girl tells me that the basketball gal confusion makes me gay because I was attracted to a woman even if just for a second. She's wrong because I am obsessed with boys.

I am straight.

I argue about bisexuality with a friend. She tells me all the stereotypes and I argue against them. But I internalize them and since I don't fit the awful mold she's described,

I am straight.

At age 25 I marry a man. He is wonderful. My mom says she thought I would "turn out" gay because I always wanted to be "the boy" when I played with dolls, but I'm married to a man now so it's clear that

I am straight.

I read an article about a married woman who told her husband she was bi. I tell my husband and my best friend I sometimes think girls are attractive...but because I cannot picture a relationship with a woman,

I am straight.

During an interview, a bisexual actor says she knew she was bi when she saw a girl in a ponytail and she wanted to put that ponytail in her mouth. I do not want to do that, so I decide

I am straight.

Age 29. I go to a skating rink for what turns out to be a pride fundraiser event. I see a girl I recognize.I ask my sister if she recognizes her too. She jokingly asks if I'm trying to date the girl. I feel the all-too-familiar shame and guilt. I bury the attraction and deny its existence because

I am straight....right?

Random Tuesday in July: I see a woman in menswear and hair cropped short like mine. She asks me a question. My heart starts racing. My mouth responds calmly while my brain turns to mush. All memories of the strange feelings I had in highschool come flooding back to me all at once. My brain screams that no matter her looks, SHE is a woman and so were the girls that gave me butterflies when I was a teen. As if her presence had flipped a switch in me, I suddenly realize,

I am not straight.

I text my friend to share the news. I tell my sisters, husband, and a few others. It comes out of me like word vomit. I just want to tell the world.